Being Yourself Inc.

These last couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of soul searching about who I am as a professional. I've written before about professionalism and how much it matters in the field of singing. What kept entering into my thought process was more about personality and how this matters in your chosen profession.

It doesn't take very long for anyone that meets me to figure this out that I like to make jokes and laugh. I love to enjoy life and I have a difficult time taking things very seriously half of the time. I do care very passionately about what I do however and I often wear my heart on my sleeve. My family, friends,  and students know I care about them. But does caring make someone appear incompetent?

I spent most of the first day of school attempting to recruit students in their study hall class to join choir. I was able to observe the football coach engage with his classes and I realized that he earns their respect by taking himself seriously. They way they responded to him made me realize that even though I am a nice person, first impressions go a long way.

We live in a highly competitive world. The impression someone gets of you, once formed, can be very difficult to overcome and you never know when it's going to come back to haunt you. But I don't believe this means that you have to be someone else to be successful. Lately I've been reading the book "Give and Take" by Adam Grant at the recommendation of the business teacher. I love books like this because I think principles in business apply to so many more things than just business. I'm only a few chapters in but I feel pretty hopeful about my role as a professional after reading what he has to say. I highly recommend checking this book out!

Perhaps I'm not the most conventional person when it comes to my career. I've pursued a teaching job that you'd have to be insane to keep at. I have kept working at my singing when so many people urged me to pursue other avenues. I don't regret it, not for a second. I may be the soprano giggling at a dirty joke or making silly faces to make my accompanist crack up during a rehearsal, but I put out a good product and I'm proud of how hard I work.

Forever the optimist I believe there's room for everyone to do what they love if they're willing to work for it. I think it's people like me - the wierd, the silly, the unconventional - and even the people who aren't like me that make the differences in their field. Great people in our history were not typical. I hope no one can ever accuse me of being typical either.

Positivity

This last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the all-northwest division conference for music educators. I went to reading sessions, workshops, and concerts. After several months of what I feel is a hard year so far, I went in feeling like I really needed a boost.

For anyone who isn't already aware I have been teaching at Lincoln High School this school year. Every person in the choir community that I tell this to gives me this look of pity, hope, and surprise. "You're teaching choir at Lincoln? Wow. How is that going?" Lincoln has a long history of strong members of the choral and local community throwing support and money at it. It also has a history of district and union policy as well as administrator lack of support killing its choir programs. Many of my direct mentors have ben key contributors of the attempt to get the choir program off the ground there. And it just hasn't stuck.

When the new semester hit and I lost students instead of gaining any I started to panic. I tried sending call slips to every one of the 100+ students that had an excused period during my class (this was vetoed by the counseling office ta's). I just felt like all my effort was for nothing. It didn't help that my bills were mounting and I didn't know if I could even afford to drive to the school to teach let alone do it well.

I may have learned a few new ideas for problem solving in my choirs, but what I really walked away with is a new attitude. If I let the weight of this job get me down, how am I supposed to convince anyone that it's a good program, let alone one worthy of starting? It may not work out. I may be back to square one again next year. But if things work out and I've stayed positive the rest of this year, my choir program is going to grow that much faster and better. I just have to put my best work out.

There are so many people that I have felt jealous and bitter toward in my career so far because things always seem to work out in their favor. People who get jobs I wish I had. People who win contests or land auditions. But things don't work out for them because they're positive people. Things work out because of how they choose to see it. There are people that I'm sure would love to have the life I have. I have amazing students that I'm so proud of, I teach at great schools with great communities, I study with a great voice teacher and I get to sing with some of the best people I know. I can't let the uncertainty of the future taint the happiness that can be had today.

Happiness isn't something anyone can hand to you. It isn't having the job of your dreams, the life of your dreams, lots of money, or the perfect family. Those things don't exist. What does exist is your current circumstances and how you choose to be present in them. Today I chose to see the glass half full.

Lifelong Learning

It's almost a badge of honor when you announce to someone that you are a lifelong learner. It suggests humility and a strong character. It's noble. When you are fairly well-established in your profession and you claim yourself to be one of these learning types, people respect you. For those of us still trying to establish ourselves this mentality opens you up to criticism. I consider myself a lifelong learner and I am proud to be so. It's not always easy to take the criticism though. In fact, if you aren't already pretty good at what you do, being a life-long learner suggests mediocrity. It's like you are admitting that you aren't good at anything. 

Opening yourself up to criticism is a very soul-searching and difficult task. It requires an amount of self-confidence that isn't something that you can just command to exist. I sang the Met Audition last October and it was most unpleasant having my technique picked apart and my diction harshly critiqued by three very well-established career musicians. 

For most of us, harsh and uninhibited criticism would illicit a knee-jerk reaction. Sometimes it's self-defense. "They don't know me and what I can really do, so their opinions aren't that important". Sometimes it's self-loathing. "If they think I'm that bad, I must really be terrible." But life-long learners are fighters, not against other people, but for themselves. I had to really focus my energy the best way I could which meant taking their criticism to heart and working to sing so that next time someone of that caliber hears me they have less to say. 

I had to put this philosophy to the test in December. I sang for my voice teachers winter recital and was given the opportunity to rehearse with the accompanist beforehand. I kept second guessing myself on a piece that I'd learned new which had me second guessing myself on a piece I've been singing for months. I was missing entrances and not supporting the sound. I started making excuses. "I didn't get much sleep because of my toddler, I haven't eaten much so my focus is off, I'm not warmed up enough..." And I realized what I sounded like. I sounded like an amateur making excuses. When I was done rehearsing I went back to sit down and I decided I had two choices. I could let my bad rehearsal break me and just resolve myself to a bad performance or I could decide not to suck. 

I chose to learn from my experience by doing well, and it showed. I walked on stage with the attitude of "this is how its done". I got more genuine compliments after that recital than I've gotten in a long time. 

If you ask any adult about their history with music most will say they took some sort of music lesson as a kid. They will almost always follow with "I should have kept it up". No one ever regrets it when they tough it out and keep working on something. I don't regret that I'm nearing my 29th year and I am finally starting to figure out how to sing. 

Life-long learning isn't just about a mindset, it's about what you do. It's never too late to be better at something you wished you hadn't given up on. I'm proud to be a life-long learner because it means that no bad experience is going to prevent me from being better. It also means that someday my choosing to always learn and grow will make me an established and respected musician just like the people I admire today.